I used to be resistant to change. I used to fear changing into a different person and thought I enjoyed things as they are.
At least I thought...
I thought change was impossible, we were born into the people we became and those that seemed to change were putting on a silly facade. You couldn't change, sure you could ACT differently but you are still the same person you always were in the end.
I felt as a person I was set, my self-esteem was in a nice place at least I thought, and I could look in the mirror everyday and walk out there with a positive attitude smiling at the world- no worries right?. If only. People always said I seemed such a nice guy and a calm persona, as if the world around them seemed to not affect me at all.
But it always did. I was just really good at fooling myself...
"I was easily one of the most stressed people I know, procrastination, apathy and video games were all coping mechanisms to avoid it".
As a child, I've had experiences that made me become an approval seeker of others. I always wanted to be liked by everyone- how I'd not realize this was theoretically impossible without becoming somewhat of a doormat is beyond me.
One experience where I learned to be extremely careful with the words I say when in kindergarten I told a friend of mine I was playing with that I had a 'gun', mind you I was only five years old but in a place like New York, they take things like that seriously. In a few moments, police officers were on the scene asking me if this was true, and my parents had to come to talk to them. It was ridiculous. "Watch what you say as it can truly hurt others", my parents said to me. From that point on, I paid extreme attention to the words that came out of my mouth.
The effects of that event along with many others manifested later on in my life, I've always had a problem of vulnerability and very often would hold my feelings and true thoughts back in fear that others would think different of me. This stems from aiming for the approval of my parents. That extended into other areas of my life as well. Early on in my life and later on, I've never had problems making friends and building friendships with others, but I felt this lack of intimacy on my end let all these relationships hit an inevitable glass ceiling.
An overwhelming majority of these 'friendships' would never reach a deeper level than they were originally set at. Few of my close friends and others in my life have a glimpse into what I'm feeling at the time and who I truly am as a person.
The rest of the people in my life, it seems like I put on this mask and although being a really nice guy is part of my personality- I've always been a nice person- it's not all that encompasses my personality. I used to embellish in the typical 'nice guy' compliments, I felt at one point in my life that being called a nice guy was one of the best compliments in the world. In my disillusioned mind, I felt there were not many 'nice guys' out there in a world filled with 'bad boys' and [expletives].
Much to my disbelief, there are many people out there with the same problem, not being true to themselves. Ask me to describe myself a year ago and I would give you that my personality just encompassed being 'nice' and all its synonyms from the nearby thesaurus. Looking at one of my YouTube pages from a year ago makes me cringe, one of the introductions from my Google + went something like:
Hi I'm Ricardo, I'm a respectful, nice, amiable... guy and...
The rest that came after that didn't matter. It was as much [expletive] as what came before it. It's funny how the mind can rationalize anything and make you believe it. And boy did I believe it, besides being a 'nice guy' another calling card I had in my arsenal was my honesty. I always believed I was the most honest guy you could come across and I never lied.
Truth is, I was the most dishonest person I've ever known...
It's actually kind of funny, I would call other people out in my mind close to me for not being honest about their intentions, but here I am being the spitting image of what I would call out. Every time that I held my feelings back on something or what I truly wanted to say and instead opted to say or do something to elicit a positive response from someone I was being dishonest with not only that person but myself. Being dishonest with myself hurt more than anything, if I couldn't even tell myself the truth how could I even bring myself to be honest with others?
It's funny how I would describe myself later on too...
I always had a strange belief that I was 'shy' and 'reserved' but I believe that was pushed on by my father more than anything. I'd often retreat to my room for alone time to relax and what not and he would always bug me about it. The thing is, I was never shy I enjoyed interacting with people but I wasn't really an extrovert by any means. I guess more of a mix than anything, and I felt comfortable being alone and doing things on my own and when needed doing things in a group.
The approval seeking mindset forced that belief on me, I felt at one point societal contact was 'taxing' as I constantly had to think of things to say that would elicit positive responses from everyone, and I had this irrational fear of being judged for something. Back to the room scenario, going back to my room was my escape from an irrational world I was constantly challenged to keep 'friendly' relations with and video games was a central part of my teen life. It gave me a break from all that went around me, little did I know is that it created a false hope of what life truly is and although I never was socially awkward, in seldom societal situations it was not rare for me to feel 'out of place'.
I would compromise who I was as a person for the benefit of others thinking that this was an entirely selfless mindset. The thing is, I was really selfish and would often do or say certain things sometimes in order to receive something in return.
"I formed this illusion of the person I thought everyone wanted me to be, instead of staying true to what I really am".
What sparked this change?
A number of things. I feel being a year in college allowed me to truly explore myself and my surroundings without the influence of my parents around me. I've always took a very apathetic mindset towards girls until college for the most part, I truly believed that if girls liked me or not, i wouldn't care at all.
The thing is I truly did care, but I for some silly reason tried to convince myself I didn't. My parents played a fundamental role in that, especially my mother who always told me not to mess around with girls and focus on my grades and all that but encouraged me to become friends with them at the same time. "Treat girls right" and all that were resonating pieces of what my mom usually told me- don't listen to your dad, he doesn't know what he's talking about. My father, simply told me to even avoid the idea of a 'girlfriend'- as he told me it's not worth to get tied down with a girl- and don't listen to your mother, she doesn't know what she is talking about.
So here I am stuck with two conflicting ideals, so its no surprise that at my age until fairly recently I was relatively clueless about girls. I'll admit, I still kind of am. It's ironic that being around women my whole life, my sisters, my mother, my aunt's family, that I still have little to no clue about them. It's a learning process. I have to admit even asking a girl out on a date was one of my biggest fears in the world or telling a girl my feelings for her, now it doesn't seem so bad with an experience dealing with that but I still got a LOT to learn and experience.
But my problems with girls easily draws back to my lack of vulnerability, my toxic approval seeking mentality and I feel I won't find true success until I become truly honest with myself. If I can't be truly honest with not only girls but others in my life, I won't ever get really far. It starts from within before I truly start to see results.
Why start this blog and what do you hope to accomplish?
I've always been a blogging enthusiast, I've had blogs about technology and abstract thoughts on life and such but I've lost the passion to blog. Going through these changes in this life has inspired me to blog again with a new drive than ever before. I want to go on this journey of self improvement and be the person I truly am to everyone with true honesty. I feel this would benefit me in many areas of my life not just with the opposite sex.
So the goals I hope to accomplish with this blog are:
Become more assertive
Open my satirical side of my personality
Stop the toxic approval seeking mentality
Be truly 100% honest with myself and others
Learning to put trust in others
Allowing myself to become more vulnerable
Bonus*: Encourage others to do the same
And anything else that comes up..
Keep checking back for more posts on my progress! Aiming for a post a week. Join me on my journey, feel free to comment on any changes you've made or plan to make!
One experience where I learned to be extremely careful with the words I say when in kindergarten I told a friend of mine I was playing with that I had a 'gun', mind you I was only five years old but in a place like New York, they take things like that seriously. In a few moments, police officers were on the scene asking me if this was true, and my parents had to come to talk to them. It was ridiculous. "Watch what you say as it can truly hurt others", my parents said to me. From that point on, I paid extreme attention to the words that came out of my mouth.
The effects of that event along with many others manifested later on in my life, I've always had a problem of vulnerability and very often would hold my feelings and true thoughts back in fear that others would think different of me. This stems from aiming for the approval of my parents. That extended into other areas of my life as well. Early on in my life and later on, I've never had problems making friends and building friendships with others, but I felt this lack of intimacy on my end let all these relationships hit an inevitable glass ceiling.
An overwhelming majority of these 'friendships' would never reach a deeper level than they were originally set at. Few of my close friends and others in my life have a glimpse into what I'm feeling at the time and who I truly am as a person.
The rest of the people in my life, it seems like I put on this mask and although being a really nice guy is part of my personality- I've always been a nice person- it's not all that encompasses my personality. I used to embellish in the typical 'nice guy' compliments, I felt at one point in my life that being called a nice guy was one of the best compliments in the world. In my disillusioned mind, I felt there were not many 'nice guys' out there in a world filled with 'bad boys' and [expletives].
Much to my disbelief, there are many people out there with the same problem, not being true to themselves. Ask me to describe myself a year ago and I would give you that my personality just encompassed being 'nice' and all its synonyms from the nearby thesaurus. Looking at one of my YouTube pages from a year ago makes me cringe, one of the introductions from my Google + went something like:
Hi I'm Ricardo, I'm a respectful, nice, amiable... guy and...
The rest that came after that didn't matter. It was as much [expletive] as what came before it. It's funny how the mind can rationalize anything and make you believe it. And boy did I believe it, besides being a 'nice guy' another calling card I had in my arsenal was my honesty. I always believed I was the most honest guy you could come across and I never lied.
Truth is, I was the most dishonest person I've ever known...
It's actually kind of funny, I would call other people out in my mind close to me for not being honest about their intentions, but here I am being the spitting image of what I would call out. Every time that I held my feelings back on something or what I truly wanted to say and instead opted to say or do something to elicit a positive response from someone I was being dishonest with not only that person but myself. Being dishonest with myself hurt more than anything, if I couldn't even tell myself the truth how could I even bring myself to be honest with others?
It's funny how I would describe myself later on too...
I always had a strange belief that I was 'shy' and 'reserved' but I believe that was pushed on by my father more than anything. I'd often retreat to my room for alone time to relax and what not and he would always bug me about it. The thing is, I was never shy I enjoyed interacting with people but I wasn't really an extrovert by any means. I guess more of a mix than anything, and I felt comfortable being alone and doing things on my own and when needed doing things in a group.
The approval seeking mindset forced that belief on me, I felt at one point societal contact was 'taxing' as I constantly had to think of things to say that would elicit positive responses from everyone, and I had this irrational fear of being judged for something. Back to the room scenario, going back to my room was my escape from an irrational world I was constantly challenged to keep 'friendly' relations with and video games was a central part of my teen life. It gave me a break from all that went around me, little did I know is that it created a false hope of what life truly is and although I never was socially awkward, in seldom societal situations it was not rare for me to feel 'out of place'.
I would compromise who I was as a person for the benefit of others thinking that this was an entirely selfless mindset. The thing is, I was really selfish and would often do or say certain things sometimes in order to receive something in return.
"I formed this illusion of the person I thought everyone wanted me to be, instead of staying true to what I really am".
What sparked this change?
A number of things. I feel being a year in college allowed me to truly explore myself and my surroundings without the influence of my parents around me. I've always took a very apathetic mindset towards girls until college for the most part, I truly believed that if girls liked me or not, i wouldn't care at all.
The thing is I truly did care, but I for some silly reason tried to convince myself I didn't. My parents played a fundamental role in that, especially my mother who always told me not to mess around with girls and focus on my grades and all that but encouraged me to become friends with them at the same time. "Treat girls right" and all that were resonating pieces of what my mom usually told me- don't listen to your dad, he doesn't know what he's talking about. My father, simply told me to even avoid the idea of a 'girlfriend'- as he told me it's not worth to get tied down with a girl- and don't listen to your mother, she doesn't know what she is talking about.
So here I am stuck with two conflicting ideals, so its no surprise that at my age until fairly recently I was relatively clueless about girls. I'll admit, I still kind of am. It's ironic that being around women my whole life, my sisters, my mother, my aunt's family, that I still have little to no clue about them. It's a learning process. I have to admit even asking a girl out on a date was one of my biggest fears in the world or telling a girl my feelings for her, now it doesn't seem so bad with an experience dealing with that but I still got a LOT to learn and experience.
But my problems with girls easily draws back to my lack of vulnerability, my toxic approval seeking mentality and I feel I won't find true success until I become truly honest with myself. If I can't be truly honest with not only girls but others in my life, I won't ever get really far. It starts from within before I truly start to see results.
Why start this blog and what do you hope to accomplish?
I've always been a blogging enthusiast, I've had blogs about technology and abstract thoughts on life and such but I've lost the passion to blog. Going through these changes in this life has inspired me to blog again with a new drive than ever before. I want to go on this journey of self improvement and be the person I truly am to everyone with true honesty. I feel this would benefit me in many areas of my life not just with the opposite sex.
So the goals I hope to accomplish with this blog are:
Become more assertive
Open my satirical side of my personality
Stop the toxic approval seeking mentality
Be truly 100% honest with myself and others
Learning to put trust in others
Allowing myself to become more vulnerable
Bonus*: Encourage others to do the same
And anything else that comes up..
Keep checking back for more posts on my progress! Aiming for a post a week. Join me on my journey, feel free to comment on any changes you've made or plan to make!
